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外婆的手
scenes from my trip home to dongguan - dec 2024
work in progress
project notes
我从来不知道外婆的手从她记事起就一直肿胀着。一双劳动者的手,一双caretaker的手。
这几年我和她的距离从江苏到广东变成中国到美国,从封控到covid travel bans再到解封之后的跨国送药和集体遗忘。她并不了解我的改变,心与心之间的距离在沉默和不解中越来越远。除了“亲人”这似乎绕不开的羁绊外,我并不知道该如何爱她,该如何看待她对我不完美的爱。
过去一年半,我回国了三次,她也从江苏搬到了广东。我终于开始了解她的生活 — 她关于鬼怪和逝者的梦,她对她妈妈的思念,她拇指上的印记,她头发上的两个旋,她皮肤干燥的纹路。我甚至和她在小区里几个朋友打成一片,见证她在七十多年的辛苦劳累后,第一次能有了自己的chosen family。
我也开始读懂她的口是心非。她总说自己是“老妖怪”,嫌弃我跟着她拍个不停,却也开始主动拉我去录她唱的山歌、骄傲地告诉朋友们我多爱陪着她。当我问她一些口述史的问题时,她总是回答不上来— “反正就是很苦,谁还记得?”或者觉得自己的生活没什么值得被了解的。“我的人生是失败的,”她云淡风轻的一句话让我心里一阵刺痛。
where language falls short, the body remembers. 手是她记忆的载体 — 在和面、做饭、洗碗的时候,那些触觉和气味总会触发她的回忆 — 关于童年卖豆腐和鞋垫谋生计,关于她的太太揉面摊饼的功夫,关于饥饿和病痛。每次回家,我都能看见自己在慢慢疗愈从组织/行动和不断的失去中中习得的reactive desire to excavate and salvage memory. bearing witness需要仔细聆听和耐心等待。
i once read that “to love someone is to attend a thousand births of the person they’re becoming.” maybe my grandmother will never understand my rebirths — my queerness, my organizing, and everything that feels so foundational to the constantly transforming being that i am. im learning to breathe alongside remnants of my past lives that inhabit her clumsy love and care for me.
ive also learned to accept that much of her life is not meant for me to access. i shouldn’t parasite the wounds she had long tucked away for my own world building, to dwell on the quiet funerals of the exoskeletons she’d shedded and buried.
but i can still choose to love her through the contradictions of it all, to witness her life by preserving and seeding, imperfectly, the bits and pieces we do get to share. it feels like tending to a garden together, her hands next to mine. 在我眼里这一切都值得记录。
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nostalgia is the ghost of care
a solo exhibition by huiyin zhou 徽音
On view: March 4 - March 29, 2025
at Golden Belt Gallery, 800 Taylor St. Durham, NC 27701
Programming Dates: Opening Reception and Artist Talk: March 8, Sat 6pm
Slow Art Tour with Gail Belvett: March 16, Sun, 3pm
Third Friday Reception:
March 21, Fri, 6-9pm
Gallery closure: March 25-28
Swing into Spring: March 28
a solo exhibition by huiyin zhou 徽音
On view: March 4 - March 29, 2025
at Golden Belt Gallery, 800 Taylor St. Durham, NC 27701
Programming Dates: Opening Reception and Artist Talk: March 8, Sat 6pm
Slow Art Tour with Gail Belvett: March 16, Sun, 3pm
Third Friday Reception:
March 21, Fri, 6-9pm
Gallery closure: March 25-28
Swing into Spring: March 28
Nostalgia often denotes a past tense: a sense of sentimental or wistful longing for things, memories, and objects that are already gone. But for huiyin, nostalgia rests in the future: they archive and rescue moments as they are happening, predicting the grief that will come after they disappear. Beyond an irrecoverable loss, how can nostalgia’s tender teachings enable us to recognize the uniqueness of each moment while it is still here? Weaving photo prints, polaroids, handwriting, and other ephemera, this body of work draws from the artist’s daily encounters in BIPOC/Queer communities. Rooted in queer and feminist sensibilities, nostalgia is the ghost of care explores photo archiving as an active form of grief and care work. It provides a memory sanctuary amidst the hauntings of loss, erasure, and structural violence.
This is a 2024-25 Durham Art Guild artist in residence project.
Graphics designed by huiyin zhou and yanki kung.
Note: the title is inspired by Andy J. Pizza’s comic on nostalgia and gratitude in the Invisible Things project.
This is a 2024-25 Durham Art Guild artist in residence project.
Graphics designed by huiyin zhou and yanki kung.
Note: the title is inspired by Andy J. Pizza’s comic on nostalgia and gratitude in the Invisible Things project.
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Intimate Encounters 一期一会, 2023-ongoing
A photo series exploring Chinese queer feminist friendships
Printed on Epson Hot Press Bright Paper (8.5 x 11’’), Annotated with Color Markers
Exhibitions:
2024/8/6-2024/9/30 Haptic Happenings, Durham Arts Council's Truist Gallery, 120 Morris St. Durham, NC 27701
2024/5/31-2024/6/9, Anthropology of Motherhood: Kinship and Othermothering, Dollar Bank Three River Arts Festival, Pittsburgh, PA
2024/4/25-2024/10/05, Lyndhurst Gallery, Center for Documentary Studies, 1317 W. Pettigrew St., Durham, NC
community open hours: 2024/9/24-26 4-6pm
A photo series exploring Chinese queer feminist friendships
Printed on Epson Hot Press Bright Paper (8.5 x 11’’), Annotated with Color Markers
Exhibitions:
2024/8/6-2024/9/30 Haptic Happenings, Durham Arts Council's Truist Gallery, 120 Morris St. Durham, NC 27701
2024/5/31-2024/6/9, Anthropology of Motherhood: Kinship and Othermothering, Dollar Bank Three River Arts Festival, Pittsburgh, PA
2024/4/25-2024/10/05, Lyndhurst Gallery, Center for Documentary Studies, 1317 W. Pettigrew St., Durham, NC
community open hours: 2024/9/24-26 4-6pm
My photo series focuses on the intimate lives of the Chinese queer feminist community in Durham, New York, Baltimore, and Irvine, CA. I guide my work with a queer feminist framework of intimacy, which I loosely define as a sense of connection and closeness beyond the heteronormative definition of sexual intimacy. At a time when connection is limited by geopolitical rivalries, manufactured borders, and a pandemic, feeling intimate with oneself and with others is a political act of reclaiming our own agency to still care and love in the ruins.
Different from what is usually considered social movement photography, which focuses on the “public”, the hypervisible, and explicitly political acts of protest, I want to document the interior, affective lives of a transnational movement built on intentional relations and kinship. These are photos from communal cooking sessions, celebrations, and shared living spaces. Sometimes my friends look away and indulge in their own emotions, while other times they look at me straight into the camera with a playful smile or an open embrace. There are photos of folks making protest banners at a community gathering before PrideDurham, but there are also photos of my friend drawing a diary entry on the grave state of the world after a long day. There are photos taken in familiar places such as my bathroom that I share with a Chinese queer feminist friend; at the same time, there are photos of us cooking and transforming a temporary kitchen into our shared home. These are scenes of coming together and saying goodbye to each other, yearning for the day when we meet again. Through my photography process, I hope to uncover what Kevin Quashie calls the “sovereignty of the quiet” – the life sustaining rootwork of Chinese queer feminists who insist on seeing each other through our emotions, bodies, and vulnerabilities.
What registers the people in my photos as “queer” and “feminist” if these photos do not show their “difference”? I refuse to treat the affective and everyday experiences of living a queer feminist life as something readily accessible from photos, nor is it an “essence” I can “capture”. Instead, I treat photography as a conversation, a contact improv, and a mutual offering, whereby I get to know my friends just a bit more and invite them to witness our own history in the making. These are the intimate encounters of grief, joy, rest, and playfulness that are interwoven into the fabric of our community, and I decided to write and draw on my prints to ground these stories, quite literally, through my own lens.
feel free to move the images
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huan xiang (2023-24)
A mixed-media installation on queer/feminist family history/memories
Supported by the John Hope Franklin Documentary Award & Creative Arts Award
Exhibition:
2024/11/26-2024/1/26
“familiar chaos,” Durham Art Guild 70th Juried Exhibition, Durham Arts Council Truist Gallery, Durham, NC
Juror: william cordova
2024/4/25-2024/10/05
(shown in full series) Lyndhurst Gallery, Center for Documentary Studies, Durham, NC
community open hours: 2024/9/24-26, 10/1-4 4-7pm
A mixed-media installation on queer/feminist family history/memories
Supported by the John Hope Franklin Documentary Award & Creative Arts Award
Exhibition:
2024/11/26-2024/1/26
“familiar chaos,” Durham Art Guild 70th Juried Exhibition, Durham Arts Council Truist Gallery, Durham, NC
Juror: william cordova
2024/4/25-2024/10/05
(shown in full series) Lyndhurst Gallery, Center for Documentary Studies, Durham, NC
community open hours: 2024/9/24-26, 10/1-4 4-7pm
huan xiang 幻象,幻想,还乡 (illusion, imagination, impossibility, of home) is a mixed-media installation weaving analog and digital photography and memory objects. Drawing from fieldwork in my mother’s hometown in northern Jiangsu (江苏宿迁) and my home city of Dongguan (东莞), I explore my relationship to fragmented family history/memories as a young transnational queer feminist who came of age while studying and living abroad in the US.
In “constellation”, I organized a collage based on three central images that emanated outward into eclipses of my memories. Between family gatherings as spaces of simultaneous connection and disconnection, a trip to the abandoned Mudun island (木墩) my family used to live on, and domestic spaces that show collaging as a labor of love, the boundaries between the three groupings are intentionally blurred, showing the interwovenness of memories. Curated vintage family albums sit on a shelf for the audience to flip through. In “tending”, from the photo of my grandma’s altar for her late parents and my late grandfather, I take the creative liberty to make my own altar. I find solace in creating alternative, photographic rituals of honoring them even though I cannot pass on their traditions.
Ultimately, this deeply autobiographical project seeks to reimagine queer/feminist memory making that carves out nuanced spaces of creativity for folks who feel distant from yet intimately connected with familial legacy. Through writing on my prints and directly onto the walls, I hope the audience can feel free to co-create their own memory ritual while moving through this exhibition.
In “constellation”, I organized a collage based on three central images that emanated outward into eclipses of my memories. Between family gatherings as spaces of simultaneous connection and disconnection, a trip to the abandoned Mudun island (木墩) my family used to live on, and domestic spaces that show collaging as a labor of love, the boundaries between the three groupings are intentionally blurred, showing the interwovenness of memories. Curated vintage family albums sit on a shelf for the audience to flip through. In “tending”, from the photo of my grandma’s altar for her late parents and my late grandfather, I take the creative liberty to make my own altar. I find solace in creating alternative, photographic rituals of honoring them even though I cannot pass on their traditions.
Ultimately, this deeply autobiographical project seeks to reimagine queer/feminist memory making that carves out nuanced spaces of creativity for folks who feel distant from yet intimately connected with familial legacy. Through writing on my prints and directly onto the walls, I hope the audience can feel free to co-create their own memory ritual while moving through this exhibition.
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Good Mourning结哀顺变, 2023-2024 (ongoing)
digital photography, performance documentation for Chinese Artists and Organizers (CAO) Collective
Burns Pinon Ridge Reserve, Joshua Tree, CA
Exhibitions:
2024/11/26-2024/1/26
“Shroud,” Durham Art Guild 70th Juried Exhibition, Durham Arts Council Truist Gallery, Durham, NC
2024/9/11-11/15, “Anything But Still,” Block Gallery, Raleigh Municipal Building, 222 W Hargett St, Raleigh, NC 27601
Artist Reception: Thursday, October 10, 2024, 5:30 – 7:30 pm
2024/8/18-10/6, “Memory Funeral”, State of the Nation: BIPOC Artist Show, The Old Stone House, NYC
2024/6/21-7/29 “Memory Funeral”, Durham Art Guild Annual Members Show, Truist Gallery, Durham, NC
digital photography, performance documentation for Chinese Artists and Organizers (CAO) Collective
Burns Pinon Ridge Reserve, Joshua Tree, CA
Exhibitions:
2024/11/26-2024/1/26
“Shroud,” Durham Art Guild 70th Juried Exhibition, Durham Arts Council Truist Gallery, Durham, NC
2024/9/11-11/15, “Anything But Still,” Block Gallery, Raleigh Municipal Building, 222 W Hargett St, Raleigh, NC 27601
Artist Reception: Thursday, October 10, 2024, 5:30 – 7:30 pm
2024/8/18-10/6, “Memory Funeral”, State of the Nation: BIPOC Artist Show, The Old Stone House, NYC
2024/6/21-7/29 “Memory Funeral”, Durham Art Guild Annual Members Show, Truist Gallery, Durham, NC
Good Mourning is a durational performance on grief, mourning, co-living, memory and survival. Each winter, Chinese Artists and Organizers (CAO) Collective brings a group of Chinese queer feminists to the Burns Piñon Ridge Reserve in Joshua Tree, CA at new year’s transitions. Together, we cook, write poetry, make clay, inscribe words into clay vessels, and break these objects in a memory-funeral on the last day.